What A Difference...

Well, what a difference a couple of weeks and a couple thousand kilometres can make in one's perspective on life. Last week I went to visit my husband in the province where he has been been on a business trip since the end of April. At that time I was convinced it was the end of our marriage, but agreed to see a marriage counsellor, because I felt I owed him, and our relationship, that much. Wow. What a difference it made. She was just a young (26) new counsellor, but she had a way of speaking to us (me) in a way that really hit home. One of the things she said was that with my recent 65lb weight loss, I was going through an identity crisis (as opposed to a mid-life crisis, which my husband labelled it as) and that I was trying to find my new place in my relationship with my husband within our marriage, and I realized that she was absolutely right! She also made us realize that space (physical) is a huge issue for us, and we have decided that in order to save our relationship, the first order of business is to find a bigger place to live. We currently live in a 2 bedroom apt condo that I bought when I was a 28 year old single woman. I've realized that the space just isn't enought for the two of us to live in, plus to run Mac's business from. Also, we need a place that is "ours", as opposed to "mine" and one that he is just "living in". So, long story short, he is coming home in a few weeks when he is done his business on the east coast, and we are going to continue counselling and look for a new place to live to save our relationship. And I am feeling SO MUCH better about life all around! :) Cheers!

The Beginning

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. It's been a long time since I've felt able to share my innermost feelings with anyone. So much has been happening within me, but it's always been difficult for me to share the real me with the world. Heck, I can't even share that with those closest to me. But the time has come. It's yet another new beginning for me. I was laid off from my job in April of 2008. I struggled with finding a job for about a year. Then I did. A good job. And then...I got called back to my very well-paying auto manufacturing job, full-time with benefits. I struggled with the decision to go back or not. Eventually, of course, I did go back. After urging from my husband, friends and family. I think deep down I knew that going back would mean the end of my marriage, for many reasons, and 7 months later, that has come to fruition. For about 4 months now I have felt this urgent need for...freedom. I love my husband, but I need to be free. I need to have nobody to answer to. He left for another business trip at the end of April. Just prior to his leaving we had a serious discussion about our relationship and I finally told him that I was not happy and that I didn't know what I wanted, although honestly, that was not entirely true. I want out. I want freedom. I want to be on my own. I want to not be shackled to his never ending needs and the needs of his business. The very business I never wanted. But he did. And I get to do the admin work for him, even though I never wanted that. And I get to be his sounding board each day when he is frustrated, because he has NO ONE else to talk to because he does not cultivate any outside relationships, and has become a hermit, outside of his twice yearly business trips, even though I never wanted that. Just before he left on this trip, after we had our relationship discussion, he said, I don't think you're going to let me come home. That was his biggest fear. I said I wouldn't do that to him. And yet, I did that. I told him last week when he was talking about coming home that I wasn't ready for that and that I thought we should separate because I liked having my home to myself. Our condo was my condo for many years before he came into the picture, so I fully consider it MY home. Needless to say, he is not happy. I was very fearful in the beginning that he would self-destruct. He referred to himself as being "homeless" several times. I told him that he has some decisions to make and refused to take the bait to allow him to return. I know deep down that if he came back, he would not leave again. I can't have that. My home must remain my sanctuary now. I cannot allow my sanctuary to be overrun by him again. The worst part about this is that he is not a bad man. He really hasn't done anything wrong. It's just a feeling that is coming from my soul telling me of my need for freedom. I am flying out to the province he is in for his business trip next week to see him and have a face to face conversation. He deserves that much respect from me. I fear that he sees it as a reconciliation. He has gotten a marriage counsellor for us to see while I'm there and he got a prescription for Viagra from a doctor, as if that will cure us. *Sigh*. It won't. But I'll worry about that when I get there. I need to be strong to stick to what I know in my soul I have to do for myself, even though it will hurt him deeply. I have to get past my guilt and know that I am doing us both a favour in the end, even though it hurts like hell now. I also have to get past what I know people will say, about how we've only been married for 2 years and that people don't try hard enough to save marriage these days. I only know what my soul has been telling me since last August. I need to be on my own. There is another beginning waiting for me. "Every new beginning starts with some other beginning's end."